"Lame-arsed, flat productions with all the bollocks of a eunuch..."
I've just written my most negative and scathing review ever (click here to read the full review).
While there have been other occasions in the past when I've been critical I've never been this angry, vitriolic and downright negative. Why? Because most music is average, not genre shatteringly brilliant or so awful you want to pour molten lead into your ears. And as a 'critic' its surely my job to write a fair portrayal of an album, single or gig or whatever it is? If it's average, it's down to me to weigh up the pros and cons and sum them up, in as entertaining and colourful a way as possible of course (bland music should NOT result in bland writing!).
Some reviewers/critics clearly beg to differ though. In a vain (i.e. narcissistic) attempt to add 'edge' or 'personality' to an article, some hacks feel the need to write a black or white review about something which is decidedly grey. The end results vary from scathing acidic streams of swear-word crammed spite or arse-licking sugar coated statements of sickening, undying love.
There's nothing wrong with loving or hating something but if you have to bend the truth to pretend you actually give a toss either way, surely that results in distorted, unfair reviewing?
The worst cases are when a journalist is so desperate for their review to scream 'look at me' that they actually forget to mention what they are reviewing or offer any insight into it, instead opting for shouting and screaming and swearing at the the top of their voices in an attempt to get themselves a job or at least appear they're as spiky and off the scale as their high maintenance haircuts.
For examples of ranting reviews that don't actually review a thing, look no further than The Fly magazine, which seems to specialise in the art.
So I may have written a hugely negative album review but it genuinely was that shit! In my opinion anyway...
Useless music fact #11: Liam Gallagher's solo effort is set for release by July 2010. So Oasis minus the brains equals what exactly? The man who owes Ian Brown and Tim Burgess thousands in image rights payments has never been known for being 'the creative one has he? This is a useless music fact as all signs seem to point to the fact that the music will indeed be useless. Prove us wrong our kid!
Originally posted on http://blog.ianroullier.com on 30 January 2010.